Even though I made a promise to myself not to give up my dreams of writing a book, the progress has been agonisingly slow. I have been working full-time at the Paper House for over a year now. Aware that I’m not one of those professional writers out there, who have (painstakingly- credit where credit’s due) established their routine and career, and can take their entire day’s worth to put forth their efforts, I need to think of some other ways for my circumstances.
That is why I’m writing a sort of “list” for the struggles and habits of a self-proclaimed writer like myself. Someone who needs to deal with the nuance of a full-time job and the commutes between.
Table of Contents
The Worries
This post is only based on my own experience- surely there are aspects where other people cannot relate. If I missed some important points, feel free to tell me.
1. Finding the Right Time and Place for Writing
So the first struggle would be looking for my own writing space. There are times when I keep thinking about when and where to write- aside from what to write.
I’m fortunate to have a job as a librarian- in which case I have plenty of instances to think and jot things down in my notebook. I supposed many people would say I’m moaning about nothing- a library! Surely the dream workplace of a writer! I suppose you may be right.
Sometimes I think that I’m only making excuses by saying the job takes the motivation out of me from writing. A large part of me is positive about this- there are many examples out there- writers and readers alike- saying that they can always slip in little moments to do their thing. Whether it’s on the train, between bites at lunch, or even while sitting on the toilet.
The struggle comes from the feeling that the workplace is not the place to write. Back at home, I know exactly that the desk is for writing. And I know the time is perfectly appropriate because it’s my “at-home time” (aka off-hours).
In the library- despite what some romantic people might think- there are a lot of things to do, whether it’s cataloguing journals and new books or compilating bibliographies. But yes, the work is generally relaxing and free of pressure.
But when I got home, I began to think that perhaps the problem was not the library itself. I’m hesitating- procrastinating– with little voices saying creative variants of “it’s a long day. Perhaps not now” or “after this week I’ll have plenty of free time”. But of course- even when the time does come, it’s way later than what those little voices promised.
2. Life is Slow and Repetitive that Creativity Suffers
I have a special preference for writing characters- exploring their psyche and developing their personalities. These inspirations usually come from my daily life or the dreams I have. Because- to be honest- I don’t believe there is a well-rounded character out there who is completely written from the author’s imagination. All those conscious, deliberate planning- despite how many hours you put in- it can never reach the intricacy of the mind. You might not intentionally choose someone to be the foundation of the character, but the referencing is visible under post-hoc introspection.
Unfortunately, when your life falls into a recycling routine, those stimulating interactions you have with other people, -or incidents where you can observe people’s emotions and behaviours- naturally become limited.
…That sounds terribly sad, isn’t it? Well, I should add that I have made some good friends at the Paper House. And there are various interesting incidents (known both first-hand and second-hand). It is a school, after all.
But life isn’t like movies where the boring and tedious bits are skipped or skimmed through in a musical montage. And thanks to our unreliable sense of time, an hour can feel like three.
I’ll talk about how I’ll resolve these struggles in the next section. For now, let’s finish listing out the struggles.
3. Watching Your Friends Passing by…
This, I guess, has less to do with having a full-time job, but more with the fact that I changed from social sciences to the arts. I don’t consider myself a high achiever, per se. But when Terrance becomes your good friend and roommate, you’d start to feel a little self-conscious, you know?
Writing can be a sublime experience- slowing down, reflecting, imagining, diving deep into your own psyche. I almost want to compare writing to dreaming. Both of them take you away from the real world and into one full of symbolism.
But then it creates a huge contrast to the world outside, which is loud, fast, and undeniably solid.
Slow progress in life- or in writing- in theory, should not be very stressful. But I found that stress doesn’t necessarily come from pace- fast or slow. In fact, the stress from work sounds easier to deal with than the insecurity from our hearts. The work will always have a deadline- it will for sure be done at one point. But comparing yourself to other people is endless like a dark pit.
I guess, to be aware of it is a big first step. Knowing the right thing to do, a big second step. Doing it, though…
Some Solutions
As I mentioned before, being a librarian provided me ample time to think and reflect. So I thought about how I could deal with these problems. These solutions might not “cure” all the struggles like a magic potion, but I hope they can lessen the discomfort- as they have mine.
1. Schedule Writing Time
It took me a while to accept that one just cannot wait for inspiration to appear out of nowhere. Just like that Chinese fable in which a man waited for a hare to slam itself dead against the tree, instead of hunting himself, waiting for the right time does not bode well in the long term.
I marked a time slot at night- when I shall write my heart out, no censor or edits. The words sometimes become incoherent as my thoughts dart from one corner to another. But no matter. When morning comes, I edit before I set off for the Paper House. My mind is clear after a cup of freshly brewed coffee.
The time is limited, yes. But the urgency is effective in putting my hand at work. Day in and day out. Even tiny progress becomes noticeable after a few weeks.
It’s also impossible to be perfectionistic anymore.
Especially when I don’t have the time to “quietly sit down” and imagine how beautiful writing can come to be. When it’s in progress- it’s in progress. When it’s finished- it’s finished. But then again, I’m sure there are people who deal with perfectionism much harder than I do.
2. Appreciate the Small Details in Life
When holiday comes, I found that I had wrongfully accused the workdays as “mundane and eventless”. The fact is- the interesting events become interesting when I’m willing to appreciate them as such. If I only sit there and hope that the future might impress me, I might as well wait for a meteor to land on top of the Paper House all of a sudden.
My point is: the little things can spark significant emotions and insights, perhaps more so than “big events”. Let’s say… when Terrance and I walked to the Paper House every morning, we had to part ways at the gate- with me going to the academic building, and him to the research building. A friendly wave and “see you later!” are enough to brighten my day- whenever I choose to savour it.
The event- big or small- is merely that. Our perception of it is the lynchpin. Ignore it, it becomes nothing. Treasure it, it becomes treasure. Appreciate it, and it can warm your heart like a second cup of caffe latte.
On another note- that’s why I have been banking ideas in notebooks. These small moments might slip from my mind any second. As I’m sure many people have had some eureka moments in the shower, but frustratingly slithered out of mind’s reach right afterwards.
3. Be Grateful for the Slow and Steady Progress of Writing
Impatience is such a pain, especially when I have a long project like writing a book. With only 2-3 hours for both writing and editing each day (and that is only for days when I’m most productive), the progress is bound to be slow. Morale can be low too, when you’re still meandering in the same chapter/ scene. How on earth can some author churn out a book each year, repeatedly?
But I’ve soon learnt not to compare myself that way. I initially wanted to write “be grateful to be ordinary”, but I edited it out because I had a feeling that phrasing might anger a few people. So let me explain myself here:
I learnt from Terrance that people are inherently different. That means- we are not born a piece of blank paper. Personalities, abilities, attitudes, temperaments… do not come solely from hard work and determination. Heck, even determination and the capacity to work hard come with different sizes in the first place.
The fact that I can write at all is a privilege. Because I have found something that brings me joy while doing it. So why: why would I waste it by focusing on the output, or how fast the output is generated?
Be a little tortoise if that’s what I am. In the not too distant future, I shall look back to admire in awe- how sublimely far the path behind me appears.
But for now, let’s not peek. Don’t want to spoil the surprise now, do we?
Conclusions – Don’t Give Up!
So that’s it! Hopefully one day, I can achieve my goal and finish the book, as you do yours. Surely there are many more struggles you can relate to- having a full-time job and writing at the same time can be challenging- so if there’s anything I missed, feel free to correct me. The solutions I proposed may be easy to say and hard to do. As do many plans, a slight change in the weather, a friend’s offhand remark, or simply getting off the wrong side of the bed, might ruin it. But don’t give up- as experience tells me- because a small possibility still means it is possible.
